Quotes Filed Under "One-liners"


or you could facebook stalk me later

3 [+ / -]     Mar 04, 2010

  • Drunk Girl: Do you want my number so you can creepily text me?

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so, what's the downside?

-8 [+ / -]     Feb 26, 2010

  • Professor: Share a line, and the next thing you know, you're sharing bodily fluids.

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sounds like a thriller night

-1 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2010

  • Older Janitor: I'm gonna go home, put a big ol' bag of ice in the bathtub, sit my ass down, and listen to Michael Jackson. Damn!

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can i take that coin with me downtown this weekend?

59 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2010

  • Middle-Eastern TA: Coin have two side. So if I flip coin, there is a fifty percent chance that I will get head.

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also, please stop touching my penis

-16 [+ / -]     Feb 15, 2010

  • Septuagenarian Professor: Get your dirty Swiss hands off my corn cob!

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there's a second time for everything

37 [+ / -]     Feb 04, 2010

  • Guy: Man, that river is going to get just as high as it was the last time it was this high.

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i can't wait to get old

15 [+ / -]     Jan 30, 2010

  • Teacher: There is a higher rate of STDs in retirement communities. The average ratio of women to men is 7 to 1. I mean, come on, are you going to care if you wear a condom when you're 70?

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sure, depending on the industry

29 [+ / -]     Jan 25, 2010

  • Girl: So, can you use the word "semen" in a resume?

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when christmas isn't enough

11 [+ / -]     Jan 08, 2010

  • Girl: (completely seriously) Oh my god. I need to have a wedding so I can get gifts. I, like, so need a food processor.

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at least he wasn't looking for the bathroom

17 [+ / -]     Jan 02, 2010

  • (After bursting through the door of an occupied dorm room at 2 a.m.)
  • Drunk Freshman: This isn't the stairs.

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that would be on the list of warning signs

27 [+ / -]     Dec 14, 2009

  • Girl: So, when I was younger I used to kill small animals. They made me see a psychologist because they thought I would become a serial killer. Is that true?

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it means we prefer to touch ourselves

26 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2009

  • Professor: We're a very puritanical society. We don't like to be touched by other people. But we watch more porn than the rest of the countries of the world combined, so what does that say about us?

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show and tell day didn't go as well as dr jones had hoped

16 [+ / -]     Dec 03, 2009

  • Professor: While we're talking about vaginas...

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maybe she had the flu

1 [+ / -]     Dec 03, 2009

  • Guy: I got fired the other day. Some woman ordered the pork so I take it to the table and say, "Here's your swine, ma'am." And she complained to the manager. But that what swine means. It's a pig. I looked it up!

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which is somehow directly proportional to laziness

4 [+ / -]     Nov 20, 2009

  • Girl on Cell: But mom, you have to pick me up, I'm too famous to walk!

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that's the irish swine flu

-24 [+ / -]     Nov 12, 2009

  • Guy on cell: Swine flu, or did you drink too much last night?

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...and my butt is still sore

0 [+ / -]     Oct 29, 2009

  • Guy: I think I got roofied one time. It was at Bluepointe. Next thing I knew, I woke up at this chick's place and she was all like "Are you okay? I think you drank a roofied drink that was meant for me." It was the worst hangover ever.

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good luck with that

-5 [+ / -]     Oct 06, 2009

  • (In a crowd of people while leaving Sanford Stadium)
  • Drunk Sorostitute: Stop touching me! Everyone just stop touching me!

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those zany academics

24 [+ / -]     Oct 06, 2009

  • Professor: I was at this one party where this guy tried to murder me. That was kinda embarrassing. He thought I owned the house and tried to throw me over a balcony. He apologized by polishing the silver. Anyway...

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one thing that will never get outsourced to china

35 [+ / -]     Sep 09, 2009

  • Professor: Some things are still produced at home. Kids, for example.

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and they know sexy. after all, they did invent the toga.

-1 [+ / -]     Sep 05, 2009

  • Professor: And so the Greeks figured if we combine these two elements, we've got ourselves a pretty sexy column!

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except you don't need a fake id

65 [+ / -]     Sep 03, 2009

  • Bus Driver: (on a crowded bus) If you're not touching someone, you're doing it wrong! Come on people, pretend like this is Bourbon Street!

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and your buddy's shoes

8 [+ / -]     Aug 24, 2009

  • (After walking out of the shadows behind a building)
  • Drunk Guy: Underdog law, I now own that bank.

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what's red and green and all over the lawn?

9 [+ / -]     Aug 21, 2009

  • 40-something Guy: (looking at a Sesame Street poster) I never liked Kermit the Frog. I always had an overwhelming urge to throw him in a wood chipper. There was just somethin' not right about that critter.

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as well as watch stuff hang out

-16 [+ / -]     Aug 21, 2009

  • Guy: But it's not a strip club, it's a place you can hang out.

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tire tracks on the north quad would look kinda tacky

12 [+ / -]     Aug 19, 2009

  • Freshman Girl: God, I have to figure out this bus schedule. Why isn't there one that goes from Peabody to Park?1

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they'll screw you more, too

148 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2009

  • Drunk Guy: Fucking Charter calls me more than my girlfriend.

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it's always sunny in san andreas

20 [+ / -]     Jul 23, 2009

  • Professor: (walking into class without an umbrella on a rainy day) Ugh! I checked the weather last night, and it said today would be sunny. That's the last time I get my weather forecast from a video game system.

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she'll eventually be allowed to go on dates without a chaperone

-39 [+ / -]     Jul 13, 2009

  • Girl on cell: Here's what you're gonna do. Buy your ticket, come in the door, come straight through the lobby, act like you do not know us, and we'll meet up inside.

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the downtown neighborhood watch

48 [+ / -]     Jul 07, 2009

  • Girl: (whispering very loudly to her friend) I don't have on any panties, so if you see any cooch, let me know!

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among other things

16 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2009

  • (Two researchers are outside their building taking a smoke break)
  • Researcher 1: You know, I hear Splenda's bad for you.

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which, as it turns out, can lead to quite a career

-35 [+ / -]     Jun 08, 2009

  • Girl: So I went to the career fair the other day, but all I got was horniness.

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that explains the burning down there

113 [+ / -]     Jun 02, 2009

  • Prostitute: I used to be the toast of the town. I even had a pair of panties I got at K-Mart that said "toast of the town" right on the crotch.

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if you're lucky

-50 [+ / -]     Apr 17, 2009

  • Fratty: Sex? Isn't that spread orally?

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oh cum all ye faithful

-2 [+ / -]     Apr 06, 2009

  • Professor: What if God made your entire 80 year life like one extended orgasm? Wouldn't that just be awesome? I think it would. Orgasms are awesome.

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but not with anyone who heard that

152 [+ / -]     Apr 02, 2009

  • Sorostitute: Once I pass this kidney stone, I am going to have all kinds of sex.

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and the dog is in jail

-46 [+ / -]     Mar 31, 2009

  • Woman on cell: I can't go anywhere. He got a DUI, so now my car's in the pound.

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would that count has a hate crime?

-67 [+ / -]     Mar 23, 2009

  • Guy: (pissed about his Spanish test) If Spanish was a person and I had a 12 gauge, I'd blow his head off.

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a math lesson that won't be on the final

130 [+ / -]     Mar 22, 2009

  • Professor: Way way back I was teaching an intro class, and I get this Christmas card from a student that says, "Hope I get an A!" and has five hundred dollars in it. I tell the dean of students and he tells me to handle it on my own. So I get the student in my office, we talk about it, I give him back the three hundred dollars and that was that.

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easy come, easy go

16 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2009

  • Freshman girl: You want to hear a really embarrassing story? At graduation, you know how you're supposed to throw your hat? I threw my diploma instead.

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let's hope god's grammar is better than his sense

-5 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2009

  • Crazy homeless lady: You shole do got good sense... gooder sense than God got.

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patriotism is a bit different down there

-71 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Stoned Kid: Ya know what's a nice place? New Zealand, and they're weathering this storm pretty well. I mean, all they do is fuck sheep. If it came down to choosing between nuclear holocaust and fucking sheep, I'm totally fucking the sheep.

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unless of course they're heroin muffins

136 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Professor: Really the only thing that grows in Afghanistan is poppies. And there are only three things you can do with poppies - make poppy seed bagels, poppy seed muffins, and make heroin. And you aren't going to make a lot of money from the muffins.

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well, i did it on my own time and wasn't paid, but i swear it was a job

14 [+ / -]     Mar 14, 2009

  • Professor: So I had this job removing eyes from dead people... it was creepy as shit. That whole, "the eyes are the window to the soul" thing, yeah it messes you up. What if someone's soul just popped out while I was cutting the muscles around the eye?

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hope she scores a perfect 320%

21 [+ / -]     Mar 03, 2009

  • Sorostitute: So our final for that class is gonna be eight questions, which scares me because that means each one is worth, like, 40% of the test.

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we call that "opportunity management"

103 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2009

  • Fratty: It's not really hit it and quit it. It's more like hit it, hit it, keep hitting it for a month... then quit it.

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no, we only accept anonymous forum posts and wikipedia

20 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2009

  • Girl: If we find an article in a library, does it count as a scholarly source?

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as long as there is no grammar involved

-89 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2009

  • Guy: Yeah, I always do good on standardized tests.

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mommy just can't let go of her little girl

88 [+ / -]     Feb 01, 2009

  • Girl on cell: Mom, oh my gosh, I told you... I'm not that girl anymore. I am not a slut anymore! Why can't you understand that?!

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its an olde storey

105 [+ / -]     Jan 07, 2009

  • Woman: (to daughter) I didn't work this hard raising you so you could dress like some whore who done run away from the fucking renaissance fair!

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i'm never eating at mcdonald's again

-29 [+ / -]     Dec 12, 2008

  • Guy: Yeah, basically you just do an Internet thing to learn how to cook everything. Its an easy job. You can come in high all the time.

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a luxury he never had when he was young

29 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2008

  • Professor: They are actually starting to make brain games that make kids more smarter.

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#2   you could bottle that kind of crazy

25 [+ / -]     Dec 09, 2008

  • Guy: He had some crazy ass name like John.

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six of one, a half dozen of the other

35 [+ / -]     Dec 09, 2008

  • (Holding a dozen egg container)
  • Guy: Hey, how many eggs are in this?

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and he had a tossed salad for lunch

66 [+ / -]     Dec 05, 2008

  • Professor: Asian-Americans were usually depicted in this way due to the taint of their reputations in World War II. Yes, I said taint. It used to mean something else.

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he's switching teams before the trade deadline

-53 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

  • Straight Guy: (to girl) Can I hold the Living section? You can keep the sports.

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mother knows best

90 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

  • Guy on cell: Yeah, man, I have a date lined up for every day next week. Oh, yeah, well, I already know she's gonna dump me Friday, and I can't do anything about it. Yeah, her friend told me. Well, I was tellin' my mom about it, and she said, "You're in Athens, though! There are way more girls than guys there, and they're all easy! You should just go out and get laid as much as possible, by lots of girls!" So I'm gonna do that.

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#5   what happens when the change is $4.20?

12 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2008

  • Redneck Clerk: $17.92 is your total. In 1792, Columbus sailed the ocean blue!

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the way to a woman's heart is through the parole office

30 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

  • Girl: (to friend) Oh! You know who's really cute, and just got out of jail?

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because i was wondering if you could give me his number

81 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

  • Sorostitute: (to roommate) So, you still dating that guy I hooked up with?

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google officially replaces dog as man's best friend

8 [+ / -]     Nov 17, 2008

  • Girl: (walking with two guys) I did look up "blow-job how to."

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get 'em young

17 [+ / -]     Nov 16, 2008

  • (A little girl in a stroller and her mother are passing by a news stand)
  • Little Girl: Look mommy, Obama!
  • (The mother quickly rushes past the news stand)

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that'll look good on a tombstone, too

25 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

  • Random girl: When I die, I just wanna be like "bye, y'all" and flat line.

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the ties that bind

-45 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

  • Guy on cell: Hey grandma! I'm about to go to work but I'm filling out info for student loans for when I go to Spain. I need two references and I used mom as the first, and you're next in line, so.... okay, great! How do you spell your first name? S-U-S-A-N. And what's your middle name?

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only 15 in a school zone

-30 [+ / -]     Nov 08, 2008

  • Girl: Hold on! Let me go get my goggles. I heard that cum comes out at 20 miles per hour.

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this is not a test... i repeat, this is not a test

70 [+ / -]     Nov 07, 2008

  • WatchDawgs guy fielding a call: I'm not a recording... really... you can talk directly to me.

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aren't they doing background checks yet?

146 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2008

  • Professor (to a student who is texting): Show me what's between your legs!

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never trust anyone who can make marzipan from scratch

60 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2008

  • Girl on Cell: I made some marzipan from scratch yesterday. My roommate said it tasted good, but I think she only flatters me because she's convinced I'd kill her in sleep otherwise. Not like I would. Everyone would think it was me anyway 'cause I'm black. Or crazy. Whateves.

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it's a bit more like solitaire

53 [+ / -]     Oct 31, 2008

  • Rider in Car 5: Masturbation is like spades. If you have a good hand you don't need a partner!

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not to mention his bestiality thing

162 [+ / -]     Oct 27, 2008

  • Guy: God, he's so far in the closet he's blowing the goat-man in Narnia.

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#19   it certainly gets around

-20 [+ / -]     Oct 20, 2008

  • Kid on cell: So is this weed skank, or what?

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talk about a freudian slip

104 [+ / -]     Oct 10, 2008

  • Psychology professor: That's why you should never study on your bed, because you associate it with sex... sleep! Sleep!

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would you like to make it a fatty?

42 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2008

  • (Guy is talking on his cell phone standing in line ordering a wrap)
  • Guy on cell: Yeah, lemme get some cheese. Yeah dude, alright. So he only sells dimes and quarters, but it's real cheap. And some jalapeņos. Okay, that's straight. We'll chill later. Just go buy some.

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the customer probably would have noticed that

-35 [+ / -]     Oct 07, 2008

  • Bar Waitress: They tossed your salad for you. Is that okay?

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isn't "mogwai" gaelic for "vajay jay"?

15 [+ / -]     Sep 25, 2008

  • Excited guy on cell: (ordering a PBR while trying to convince his buddy to head on down to the rock show and scope some tail) There is Vajay Jay a-plenty here, don't be a McStupid and get your ass down here.

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i'm sure someone could find you a pencil sharpener

5 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

  • (Outside Starbucks, trying to register voters)
  • Registration guy: The next time somebody walks past us, I'm going to stick a pencil up their ass.

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if it ain't broke...

-3 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

  • Hipster: I like Nyquil. But Nyquil with liquor in it? Kinda gross.

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maybe she's used to the golf definition of handicap

93 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2008

  • (While watching a dude with a fake leg run around a track)
  • Girl: It's not fair, his leg won't ever get tired.

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which, despite the misclassification, is mostly true

13 [+ / -]     Sep 13, 2008

  • Guy: (After passing two younger homeless guys) Dude, townies are so gross.

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neither... one just moved

-39 [+ / -]     Sep 12, 2008

  • Sorostitute: In the black cherry ice cream, are those black things cherries or chocolate?

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put down the freud and back away

52 [+ / -]     Sep 11, 2008

  • Sorostitute on cell: So, I'm gonna sleep with him in Daddy's bed. Wait, Daddy's gonna be home this weekend.

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after a certain point you should just let them go

151 [+ / -]     Sep 11, 2008

  • Hungover Sorostitute on cell: Hey, is this SandBar? Okay, did you find any panties in the women's bathroom last night?

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he's working on his dissertation as we speak

39 [+ / -]     Sep 10, 2008

  • Homeless Guy: Excuse me, can you spare some change for some psychedelic research?

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number 2, never learned to count

20 [+ / -]     Sep 06, 2008

  • Gay guy: Politicians underestimate the gay community. Number 1, we're the most educated. Number 1, we have... wait... no, number 2...

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but what happens if they break down?

90 [+ / -]     Sep 05, 2008

  • (2 girls walking up the stairs at the SLC)
  • Girl: (to friend) You know, they should really invent moving stairs.

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the point is i asked for diet

91 [+ / -]     Sep 05, 2008

  • Sorostitute: I mean, I really don't care if he slipped something in my drink, that's not the point.

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i see london, i see france

99 [+ / -]     Sep 04, 2008

  • Girl on cell: (entering crowded elevator) And then he looked at me and said, "Nice panties." I was like, "Ugh, you have a wife. I could get you fired."

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oh, that one!

83 [+ / -]     Sep 04, 2008

  • Girl on cell: Yeah, we're right by the frat house... the one with the white columns.

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