Quotes Filed Under "One-liners"


i'm never eating at mcdonald's again

-31 [+ / -]     Dec 12, 2008

  • Guy: Yeah, basically you just do an Internet thing to learn how to cook everything. Its an easy job. You can come in high all the time.

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (6) | Speak Your Piece


a luxury he never had when he was young

27 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2008

  • Professor: They are actually starting to make brain games that make kids more smarter.

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (0) | Speak Your Piece


#2   you could bottle that kind of crazy

6 [+ / -]     Dec 09, 2008

  • Guy: He had some crazy ass name like John.

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (0) | Speak Your Piece


six of one, a half dozen of the other

31 [+ / -]     Dec 09, 2008

  • (Holding a dozen egg container)
  • Guy: Hey, how many eggs are in this?

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (3) | Speak Your Piece


and he had a tossed salad for lunch

63 [+ / -]     Dec 05, 2008

  • Professor: Asian-Americans were usually depicted in this way due to the taint of their reputations in World War II. Yes, I said taint. It used to mean something else.

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (5) | Speak Your Piece


he's switching teams before the trade deadline

-53 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

  • Straight Guy: (to girl) Can I hold the Living section? You can keep the sports.

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (2) | Speak Your Piece


mother knows best

75 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

  • Guy on cell: Yeah, man, I have a date lined up for every day next week. Oh, yeah, well, I already know she's gonna dump me Friday, and I can't do anything about it. Yeah, her friend told me. Well, I was tellin' my mom about it, and she said, "You're in Athens, though! There are way more girls than guys there, and they're all easy! You should just go out and get laid as much as possible, by lots of girls!" So I'm gonna do that.

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (9) | Speak Your Piece


#4   what happens when the change is $4.20?

2 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2008

  • Redneck Clerk: $17.92 is your total. In 1792, Columbus sailed the ocean blue!

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (3) | Speak Your Piece


the way to a woman's heart is through the parole office

13 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

  • Girl: (to friend) Oh! You know who's really cute, and just got out of jail?

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (0) | Speak Your Piece


because i was wondering if you could give me his number

78 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

  • Sorostitute: (to roommate) So, you still dating that guy I hooked up with?

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (1) | Speak Your Piece


google officially replaces dog as man's best friend

7 [+ / -]     Nov 17, 2008

  • Girl: (walking with two guys) I did look up "blow-job how to."

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (0) | Speak Your Piece


get 'em young

6 [+ / -]     Nov 16, 2008

  • (A little girl in a stroller and her mother are passing by a news stand)
  • Little Girl: Look mommy, Obama!
  • (The mother quickly rushes past the news stand)

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (2) | Speak Your Piece


that'll look good on a tombstone, too

8 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

  • Random girl: When I die, I just wanna be like "bye, y'all" and flat line.

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (0) | Speak Your Piece


the ties that bind

-48 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

  • Guy on cell: Hey grandma! I'm about to go to work but I'm filling out info for student loans for when I go to Spain. I need two references and I used mom as the first, and you're next in line, so.... okay, great! How do you spell your first name? S-U-S-A-N. And what's your middle name?

Link / Email This | Bookmark and Share

Comments (13) | Speak Your Piece