Quotes Filed Under "At work"


sounds like a thriller night

-2 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2010

  • Older Janitor: I'm gonna go home, put a big ol' bag of ice in the bathtub, sit my ass down, and listen to Michael Jackson. Damn!

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the customer is always right

1 [+ / -]     Feb 08, 2010

  • Employee: What else?
  • Customer 1: Ol' and viniker.
  • Employee: Oil and vinegar?
  • Customer 2: Haha! Oil? It Ol'!

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isn't this how porn starts?

-26 [+ / -]     Jan 19, 2010

  • Cashier: Does anyone need anything else to drink over here?
  • Girl: Can I get some more Cherry Coke?
  • Cashier: Sure, I just need you to take off your top. Thanks!

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so is it chicken or fish?

19 [+ / -]     Jul 22, 2009

  • Girl: This was not what I wanted on my nachos. There are tomatoes on here. What kind of cheese is this?
  • Employee: We can take the tomatoes off, and the cheese is white cheddar.
  • Girl: Don't y'all have any American cheese?
  • Employee: No, I'm sorry, we don't.
  • Girl: (to friend) I can't believe they don't have any American cheese! Why wouldn't they have American cheese?
  • Customer in line: Because this is a Mexican restaurant?

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ufo sightings?

16 [+ / -]     Jul 07, 2009

  • Register Girl 1: So how about you? Anywhere weird?
  • Register Girl 2: Yeah, one time in the car outside Gresham's Disco.

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it's in the back next to the 2010 super bowl

13 [+ / -]     Jul 02, 2009

  • Customer: Do you have the live action version of "Blood, The Last Vampire?"
  • Clerk: I didn't know there was one. Is it new or old?
  • Customer: I looked online and it said it comes out next month.

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yes, i do work on commission. why do you ask?

28 [+ / -]     Jun 30, 2009

  • Girl: Can you tell me the differences between the Dodge Ram 1500 and the Ford F-150?
  • Car Salesman: I don't know much about cars, just what's on the sticker.

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they decided to stop celebrating mardi gras after that

125 [+ / -]     May 17, 2009

  • Customer: Can I have a refill on my Dr. Pepper?
  • Cashier: Sure! Take your top off.
  • (Customer stares)

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can i get that with an extra shot of "oh no she didn't!"

108 [+ / -]     May 08, 2009

  • Jittery Joe's Guy: White mocha?
  • (Girl 1 takes drink)
  • Jittery Joe's Guy: Non-fat white mocha with soy?
  • Girl 2: Um, I had just a regular white mocha.
  • Jittery Joe's Guy: Ugh, that skank took your shit!

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simpson?

68 [+ / -]     May 01, 2009

  • Student: Could you tell me how much Homer's Odyssey costs?
  • Info lady: Who's the author?
  • Student: Homer...

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Comments (29) | Speak Your Piece


so, none of the above

8 [+ / -]     Mar 24, 2009

  • Drunk Girl: Um, can I like, get a taco please?
  • Cashier: Sure. What kind would you like? Steak, chicken, or chorizo?
  • Drunk Girl: Um, like, meat, I guess?
  • Cashier: Well, what kind of meat? Steak, chicken, or chorizo?
  • Drunk Girl: Um, you know, like that stuff that comes on tacos at Taco Bell?

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who loves the 1970s? we do!

36 [+ / -]     Mar 07, 2009

  • Store Associate: (referring to shirt boxes) There's so many tops and almost no bottoms!
  • Gay Store Manager: Baby, that's just Atlanta for ya!

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extra tender, juicy toes

16 [+ / -]     Mar 05, 2009

  • Pregnant technician: (looking at a pregnancy pamphlet) Okay, when it says "chicken is a good source of protein," do they mean fried chicken?
  • Pharmacist: Only if you want your baby to have extra toes.

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they're clearly from another planet, so the answer could be anything

-42 [+ / -]     Feb 23, 2009

  • Technician 1: How many toes are you supposed to have?
  • Technician 2: Uh... seriously?
  • Technician 1: Yes seriously, I haven't counted lately!

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speed dating is a growing trend in college towns

-47 [+ / -]     Feb 13, 2009

  • Female Customer: Do we bring back books here?
  • Male Employee: Yeah, I'll be your friend.
  • Female Employee: Wait, are you returning the books or doing Buy Back?
  • Female Customer: Returns.
  • Male Employee: Oh, I guess we can't be friends anymore.
  • Female Customer: Yeah. I don't love you anymore. It's over.
  • (Customer walk away)

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sure, pull-ups, that's what they were gonna try

9 [+ / -]     Feb 11, 2009

  • (Couple gets on the bus)
  • Drunk Guy: So you think that the bus would be a good place to have some fun?
  • Drunk Girl: I'm not sure I could hold myself up that long.
  • Drunk Guy: Well let's try, I mean the bus driver isn't paying attention.
  • Driver: Umm, I don't really want to see her doing pull-ups on this bus.

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please stand behind the yellow line and keep everything in your pants

339 [+ / -]     Jan 18, 2009

  • Girl: No! I'm not going to do that on a bus.
  • Guy: Come on, no one is on the bus.
  • Girl: I'm not going down on you here. What about the driver?
  • Guy: He can't hear or see us where we are sitting.
  • Bus Driver: I can hear and see you.

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some people just need the right motivation

56 [+ / -]     Jan 06, 2009

  • the standard employee bathroom sign edited for the greater good.

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stop, drop, and roll in the hay

-10 [+ / -]     Jan 04, 2009

  • Kind of hard to see, but the guy is smoking and spreading hay.

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so did we

72 [+ / -]     Dec 30, 2008

  • Clerk 1: So, I had some coffee this morning and... it didn't taste quite right, so I asked Cathy about it.
  • (long pause)
  • Clerk 1: She made it with decaf.
  • Clerk 2: (nodding) ...thought that story was gonna be a lot better.

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one of uga's lesser known pass / fail courses

68 [+ / -]     Dec 10, 2008

  • (Two passengers are made to walk from the back door to the front door)
  • Bus Driver: Sorry, I just had to check your sketch factor.

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#16   there's no place like home

-13 [+ / -]     Nov 23, 2008

  • Employee Guy 1: (makes loud groaning noise) That's Chewbacca.
  • Employee Guy 2: Ain't that that guy from Wizard of Oz? You sound just like 'im!

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#5   what happens when the change is $4.20?

12 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2008

  • Redneck Clerk: $17.92 is your total. In 1792, Columbus sailed the ocean blue!

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this is why god gave us ebay

212 [+ / -]     Nov 10, 2008

  • Cashier: (on phone) Yeah, uh huh... sure, sure. Let me place you on hold for just a second, sir, while I go look.
  • (presses button on phone)
  • Cashier: (screaming) Hey! This perv wants to know if we have any inflatable male sex dolls! Do we?
  • Guy on Phone: Um, you put me on speaker phone, not hold. (click)

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this is not a test... i repeat, this is not a test

70 [+ / -]     Nov 07, 2008

  • WatchDawgs guy fielding a call: I'm not a recording... really... you can talk directly to me.

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at least they don't have a "try before you buy" option

-97 [+ / -]     Nov 07, 2008

  • Female Customer: Do you have any hoop nose rings?
  • Stoner Employee: Well... I don't know, these are all mixed.
  • (Silence)
  • Stoner Employee: Oh, I know what happened...

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Comments (13) | Speak Your Piece


whatever happened to the polite "no"?

159 [+ / -]     Nov 06, 2008

  • Girl (to Bus Driver): Can you hold the bus for 30 seconds? My friend is on her way.
  • Bus Driver: She the one walking way back there?
  • Girl: Yeah!
  • (Bus Driver closes door)

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c'mon, he was just trying to help

33 [+ / -]     Nov 04, 2008

  • Really Drunk Guy: (after throwing up on the patio, watching as the bouncer cleans up the mess) Hey you. "Staff," you missed a spot.
  • Bouncer: Yeah, and you're outta here.

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Comments (2) | Speak Your Piece


coffee might not be the only thing he puts in her cup

-3 [+ / -]     Oct 31, 2008

  • Sorostitute: So does the french roast, like, have coffee in it?
  • Barista: Uh... yeah.

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"...they just kept falling out of my pocket"

-23 [+ / -]     Oct 29, 2008

  • Drunk Guy: Hey I need help. I lost my car keys.
  • Bus Driver: Did you lose them on this bus?
  • Drunk Guy: I think they are up my ass.
  • Bus Driver: The police officer over there can help you!

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it's no longer hot corner. take it back to the mother ship.

-43 [+ / -]     Oct 21, 2008

  • Crazy guy: I'd like some french fries.
  • Barista: We don't have french fries.
  • Crazy guy: It says it on the menu.
  • Barista: That's french press, as in coffee.
  • Crazy guy: Oh. I'm the world champion, you know. I have a website. I also won a Grammy. Little Elvis they used to call me. Now they call me Big Elvis.
  • Barista: Uh-huh.

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you have an urgent message from I. P. Freely

76 [+ / -]     Oct 11, 2008

  • (Overheard on the intercom at a local high school)
  • Secretary: Please excuse the interruption, but would Tess Stickle report to the main office.

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lately he just asks for the usual

247 [+ / -]     Oct 06, 2008

  • (On a late Sunday morning)
  • Guy: We would like one Plan B pill, please.
  • Pharmacist Guy: Here you go.
  • Guy: Hmmm, the price has gone up like fifteen bucks.
  • (Pharmacist guy's eyes go wide. Girl turns to Guy with equally wide eyes.)
  • Girl: Uh...
  • Guy: Yeah, that sounded bad.
  • Pharmacist guy: Soooo, this is like a regular post-date thing for you?

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#17   thanks, now i'm gonna be analyzing this all night

-14 [+ / -]     Oct 05, 2008

  • Redneck Clerk 1: Y'know, I've always wondered that myself about them three little bears.
  • Redneck Clerk 2: Whaddya mean?
  • Redneck Clerk 1: Well, if the momma's porridge was too cold, and the daddy's porridge was too hot, how come the baby's was just right?
  • Redneck Clerk 2: Wow, I never thoughta that.

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#4   "she" just loves keeping up with traffic news

12 [+ / -]     Oct 04, 2008

  • Large Bus Driver: 22 checkin' in.
  • Radio: Aight 22. Y'all might want to watch out for that traffic on Magnolia today. It's hard to get through.
  • Large Bus Driver: That's what she said.
  • (Passengers and Radio are silent)
  • Radio: (after some time) Copy that.

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and someone just wanted an excuse to make that euphemism

122 [+ / -]     Oct 01, 2008

  • Barberitos worker: (smearing sour cream on a taco) Let me smooth it out for you.
  • Flirtacious woman: You just wanted an excuse to put your finger in my taco.

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Comments (6) | Speak Your Piece


i'm sure someone could find you a pencil sharpener

5 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

  • (Outside Starbucks, trying to register voters)
  • Registration guy: The next time somebody walks past us, I'm going to stick a pencil up their ass.

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that's really a size 6 in men's

92 [+ / -]     Sep 18, 2008

  • Girl: How long is a foot long?
  • Employee: Seriously?
  • Girl: Whatever. Size 7 and a half, please.

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welcome to athens, home of the disgruntled food-service employee

103 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2008

  • Girl: Hey I know you... you clean dishes, right?
  • Dishwasher: Yeah.
  • Girl: (very impressed with herself) Ha! I knew it. You were cleaning dishes when I was here last night.
  • Dishwasher: Yeah... It's called a job. You should try it sometime.

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#14   it doesn't count just because your jeep is green

-9 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2008

  • Hipster: One pack of American Spirits, please.
  • Clerk: I've only sold a few packs of these... what's the deal?
  • Hipster: Well, they're made from all natural ingredients. Plus, I'm trying to "Go Green."
  • Clerk: Oh, okay.
  • (Hipster drives off in large Jeep)

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there's nothing better than a bus with it's own full bar

107 [+ / -]     Sep 12, 2008

  • Passenger: Want a beer?
  • Driver: No thanks.
  • Passenger: Shot of something?
  • Driver: I am driving a 40,000 pound bus, no thanks.

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"...and while i'm here, can i check my oasis on your computer?"

106 [+ / -]     Sep 06, 2008

  • Drunk guy: (after getting several staples in his head from jumping into a door
    frame) How much is the bill?
  • Doctor: It' gonna be about $75.
  • Drunk guy: Do ya'll take Bulldog Bucks?

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Comments (2) | Speak Your Piece


so we have these things called concerts...

-3 [+ / -]     Aug 30, 2008

  • Sound guy 1: Why does it seem so loud in here?
  • Sound guy 2: Because it is loud in here.

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as well as what he didn't do

26 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2008

  • Box Office Guy: (to manager) That guy in the wheelchair just went in the bathroom that only has urinals. For the rest of my life I will wonder what he did in there.

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productive and cathartic... what more can you ask for?

131 [+ / -]     Aug 02, 2008

  • Tired Employee: God dammit! I just wanna beat the fuckin' shit outta something!
  • Boss: I've got an idea. Why don't you take a broom and use it to beat the fuck out of this floor?

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i think the headphones are a little too tight

-4 [+ / -]     Jul 29, 2008

  • Large Bearded Man: If I stay in here too much longer, I'm not going to have enough money to strangle any more horses.

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giving new meaning to the word whopper

108 [+ / -]     Jul 28, 2008

  • The BK sign at 5:30 in the morning... it was changed later in the afternoon.

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no, but i figured it was worth a shot

94 [+ / -]     Jul 09, 2008

  • Guy: Can I get my paycheck, please?
  • Woman: Do you work here?

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don't forget to get a protective case

2 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2008

  • Customer: Do you know where a Mac store is?
  • Sales Associate: Yeah, I think there is one at Northpoint Mall. Why? Are you thinking about buying a computer?
  • Customer: No... I need to buy some lip gloss.

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Comments (3) | Speak Your Piece


time in a bottle

74 [+ / -]     Jun 12, 2008

  • Drunk Girl: Yay, I got a cherry!
  • Drunk Guy: Bring back memories?
  • Drunk Girl: Not really that was a long time ago.
  • Bartender: Well at least she's honest.

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it's always good to diversify your client base

37 [+ / -]     May 23, 2008

  • Cashier: (on phone) Why yes, we do have pink chiffon for homosexuals!

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a message everyone should hear, brother

55 [+ / -]     May 20, 2008

  • Co-worker: Why do I smoke cigarettes? I have to be a role model to the kids to let them know that they too can be a 24-year-old waiter in a struggling rock band.

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Comments (2) | Speak Your Piece


$5 footlong, anyone?

-48 [+ / -]     May 15, 2008

  • Employee 1: My hair got stuck in my tongue ring last night. It hurt.
  • Employee 2: What the hell were you doing last night that got your hair in your mouth?
  • Employee 2: Not just last night, I was doing it 'till 5:30 AM!

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nurse strangled with stethoscope, story at 11:00

97 [+ / -]     May 14, 2008

  • Nurse: Doctor, I found a pair of panties in the hallway, and I think they might be yours.
  • Doctor: Haha, that's a good one.
  • Nurse: No, really. You know why I think they're yours?
  • Doctor: Okay, why?
  • Nurse: Because they were in a wad.

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Comments (3) | Speak Your Piece


"...i'll also need some lysol and a copy of playboy"

51 [+ / -]     May 05, 2008

  • (Cashier is ringing up a couple)
  • Girl: All I'm saying is that when you use the toilet at my place, don't leave stuff on the seat. I don't want a baby!
  • (Awkward pause while the cashier, guy, and girl exchange looks)
  • Cashier: Well, will this be all for today?

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good thing we just bought lolstraws.com

30 [+ / -]     May 04, 2008

  • I guess the Choochoo employees just needed something to get excited over.

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but considerably less good than it would without them

53 [+ / -]     Apr 28, 2008

  • (Three girls set three boxes of condoms on the counter. The cashier laughs)
  • Girl: We're not really weird! It's for a prank!
  • Cashier: That's one prank that'll feel real good.

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ask dwight

35 [+ / -]     Apr 26, 2008

  • Boss: Okay, so we have decided to take you all out for lunch for Administrative Professionals Day!
  • Administrative Professional: Oh great! Where are we going?
  • Boss: Well, you have to find someone to cover the office first.

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Comments (3) | Speak Your Piece


"...it's not my fault, i can't see anything without my glasses"

91 [+ / -]     Apr 25, 2008

  • Cop: Ma'am, do you realize that you went the wrong way through this one-way circle and that you're parked illegally?
  • Woman: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
  • Cop: Oh, I understand. Those giant white arrows are a little confusing.

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i'd shake your hand, but...

46 [+ / -]     Apr 25, 2008

  • Stagehand: Between my television shows and all the Internet porn out there, it's really tough to get anything done during the day.

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Comments (1) | Speak Your Piece


introducing the new dumbass diet

-58 [+ / -]     Apr 22, 2008

  • Sorostitute: Yeah, I want to get the Bacon Cheese Burger. But I don't want, like, the lettuce and tomato and mayo and stuff.
  • Waitress: So, just the meat and the cheese?
  • Sorostitute: Yeah, and bacon.

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Comments (6) | Speak Your Piece


yeah, her eyes... let's go with that

55 [+ / -]     Apr 18, 2008

  • Six-year-old: Let's play! I'm the mama, and you're the baby.
  • Volunteer: Okay!
  • Six-year-old: Where do babies even come from? Do you buy them?
  • Volunteer: Uh...
  • Six-year-old: My mama said I popped out, but what does that even mean? Popped out of where? Like, her eyes?

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this might be the next tom cruise movie

157 [+ / -]     Apr 17, 2008

  • Ice Cream Guy: Do you want the cone or the show?
  • Girl: The show!
  • (Ice Cream Guy scoops ice cream, throws it ten feet in the air, catches it perfectly in cone, and hands it to her)
  • Girl: God, I love college!

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Comments (6) | Speak Your Piece


money for nothin', cable for free

25 [+ / -]     Apr 15, 2008

  • Charter Employee: You owe $127.33, ma'am.
  • Lady: What, you mean I gotta pay my bill?

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talk about drinking responsibly

43 [+ / -]     Apr 14, 2008

  • UPS Guy: I thought you were supposed to finish this shit last Friday!
  • Painter Guy: I was, but I started drinking at eleven thirty and it's never good to come into work drunk.

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Comments (2) | Speak Your Piece


ask a stupid question...

965 [+ / -]     Mar 27, 2008

  • ER Doctor: Is there any chance that you are pregnant?
  • Female Patient: No.
  • ER Doctor: Are you sexually active?
  • Female Patient: Yes.
  • ER Doctor: Then how can you be sure you're not pregnant?
  • Female Patient: (pointing to her female friend) Because I'm sexually active with her.

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Comments (62) | Speak Your Piece


nothing like a good ole nicotine cocktail

164 [+ / -]     Mar 25, 2008

  • (Sorostitute is buying cough syrup)
  • Sorostitute: I also need a pack of Marlboro Lights, please.
  • Cashier: Cigarettes and cough medicine work wonders on the lungs.

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mirror, mirror, on the wall

173 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2008

  • Coworker Girl 1: If you take a picture of a mirror, can you see yourself in the mirror?
  • Coworker Girl 2: Yes, you'll see your reflection and the flash.
  • Coworker Girl 1: No, I mean if you look at a picture of a mirror, can you see yourself? My sister asked me for a mirror earlier and I didn't have one but now I do. So I thought I'd take a picture of it on my phone and send it to her to use. But, will it work?

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"...but here, i have this handy color wheel"

17 [+ / -]     Mar 18, 2008

  • Blonde: Um, can I help you?
  • Woman: Well, you don't seem to have my shade of foundation.
  • Blonde: You can try this one.
  • Woman: That one's darker than what I need.
  • Blonde: Well, you can, like, wear less of it?
  • Woman: I don't need your help.

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"...well i had some quarters, but i couldn't find the damn meter"